We wouldn’t think of handing our children they keys to the car without first teaching them the rules of the road and how to drive it. Nor would we let them drive in more dangerous conditions before they are experienced and mature enough to manage the responsibility. Yet many parents are handing over access to technology to their children without really assessing if they are skilled and mature enough to use it wisely and safely. On the surface, our technology (devices, apps, social media, games, etc.) appears innocuous. It is just a way for us to stay connected, find information we need and provide us with relaxing entertainment – right?
Yet, navigating our technology and using it wisely is difficult for most adults (e.g., managing our screen time, managing our distractibility and focus, not getting lost in games or social media, etc.). Even with brains that have matured well beyond the teenage years and being aware of the challenges associated with our devices, we still struggle. As psychologists and educators look deeper, there is an increasing concern for children and teens whose brains are still developing as they navigate technology.
What’s the big deal around kids and technology?
The challenges related to technology vary by age, the games/apps they use and each child’s tendencies. As I watch my own children, I see how technology can have a negative impact on their behavior and their mental/emotional state. Here are just a couple of concerns:
1. First, screen time can be addictive. Most kids find technology and games hugely rewarding. They love it! Watch a kid with an iPad, a smartphone or on an Xbox and they are completely absorbed. This is not by accident – our technology has been designed to engage our brain at a very primal level, driving us to want more. Author Nir Eyal has spelled out a formula for this in his book Hooked: How to Build Habit Forming Products. The author describes the book as “a guide to building habit-forming technology” and his strategies are apparent in the design of today’s most popular Apps and games. So when parents wonder why their child has become so compulsive with Fortnite, Clash of the Clans or Instagram – that’s why – the game or App has been specifically designed by clever people to exploit how our brains work; to be irresistible, to compel us to stay in and to keep coming back. The consequence is that we unconsciously give up our precious time and attention, often robbing other important areas of our life like sleep, exercise, taking care of homework, real life interactions, etc.
2. The demise of boredom and initiative. For parents, the level of absorption that screens provide can seem like a good thing – aaahhh, finally a break! But it becomes a slippery slope as we rely on the convenience of a device to occupy our kids and teens. Dinner at a restaurant, driving across town, watching their sibling at soccer, no one to play with - now the child needs a device to stay settled anytime “nothing” is happening. While it may provide ease, it is creating a brain that craves stimulation. Too much of which begins to change a kid’s brain structure. Kids need boredom. Both for the relaxation it provides their brain and the creativity it spurs. Kids brain are wired for creativity and human connection. Watching my own kids, it is amazing what they will come up with if not rescued from boredom and how calm and content their brains seem both during and afterwards.
3. Social media can be a mine field. The pre-teen and teen years are all about connecting and belonging to the tribe outside of the family unit (i.e., their peers). What has always been an awkward and emotionally challenging period (think back to high school!) is now far more challenging in a world where your online presence is increasingly more important than your real life presence.
There is no break for the awkward teen today. It is 24/7, requiring a state of constant vigilance and needing to keep up with what’s happening in the tribe and managing their status (ideally increasing their status through likes and positive comments). This means there is little escape. While teens have always worried to some degree about their popularity, now it is quantified in real time on-line for them and the whole world to see (number of friends, likes, comments, etc.). Many youth today regularly experience anxiety as they put themselves in the vulnerable position of posting and then waiting for comments and likes. Drama can escalate quickly when people post comments they never would have said face-to-face. You can now be bullied in the safety of your own home. This is all a virtual mine field for an already uncertain, often moody, often immature teen trying to find their way.
If you want a great perspective of middle school then and now, check out this blog postbased on one teacher’s take.
So what can you do?
1. Lead by example. As adults we are equally caught up in the dopamine hit our smartphones give us. In the words of the screen time management App Moment, we should aim for “Less phone. More real life.” So, set up your own healthy boundaries by establishing technology free times during your day and your week. For some people, this may require turning their phone off to avoid being drawn in by notifications and other triggers. Setting healthy boundaries also includes establishing a reasonable time at the end of the day when you will turn your phone off for the day. It takes effort, but this is taking back control of your attention. This is also role modelling the healthy boundaries you might desire for your children.
2. Rediscover boredom and the creativity that follows. Stay strong through the initial grumblings, allow boredom to do its thing and let your brain (and your kid’s brains) shift into that creative mode. Who knew board games or cards or playing music or reading or knitting were actually fulfilling – rather than leaving you always wanting a little more? Or that a walk without a device can be an enjoyable and relaxing experience?
3. Educate yourself. Our understanding and ideas about children and technology is evolving. If you are interested, check out some of the blog posts at Wait Until 8th. Or this recent New York Times article A Dark Consensus About Screens and Kids Begins to Emerge in Silicon Valley, about how some tech executives who design devices and apps are increasingly limiting their own children’s exposure.
4. Consider graduated ‘licensing’ for kids with smartphones and other technology. Similar to learning to drive a car, consider creating an educational stage where kids first learn about the responsibilities and risks of navigating their technology. This could be followed by a period where kids must be accompanied by an adult while ‘driving’. Followed by a period where kids can navigate by themselves, but only at certain times and under certain conditions until they reach a point of both competence and maturity that they can handle all ‘road conditions’.
Conclusion
Our precious attention, and that of our children and youth, is being powerfully held by entertaining games and Apps specifically designed to do this. But it comes with a cost - particularly for children and teens. The parallels between the freedom, joy, utility and responsibility of being able to drive a car and that of having a smartphone are increasingly apparent to me. With the automobile, we are clear on the responsibilities and risks. With technology, we are only beginning to see the issues and challenges. Like anything else in our lives, things that come with great power should also come with education, maturity and responsibility. The smart phone and our other devices fall into that category.
Thank you for taking the time to read this post. I would love to hear your thoughts since we are all going through this social experiment together. Please feel free to comment.
To learn more about me and how I teach people to be more resilient, focused and connected to the people in their lives, please schedule a FREE consultation with me HERE.