“The client is upset about a mistake we made.” Fact. “They are going dump us for another firm, I could even get fired over this.” Conjecture. “That pain in my abdomen has been there for two days.” Fact. “What if I have cancer and am going to die?” Catastrophizing.
Our minds tend to do this kind of exaggerated thinking all too easily. It colours our mood, robs our energy, creates stress, and holds us back from performing at our best. But what can we do about it?
The Problem
When our ancient ancestors focused on surviving one day to the next, their minds had to watch out for things that could kill them. All the time. Over generations, we picked up a negativity bias that haunts us to this day. Whether we like it or not, our minds are prone to noticing and focusing on the negative. This can look like the following:
Exaggerated Thinking. Our minds often exaggerate how bad things are. Martin Seligman, PhD., noted our minds to readily make our situations personal, pervasive, and permanent (the 3Ps). We tend to take things personally, “I don’t have what it takes for this role.” When in fact we are all learning and growing in our careers. We make things pervasive, “It’s just one thing after another.” When the reality is that there are lots of good experiences between our challenging moments. And we too quickly imagine that our circumstances are more permanent than is reasonable. Most of our challenges will resolve in time.
Catastrophizing. Our minds don’t like uncertainty and we tend to overplay the likelihood of the worst-case scenario (lose a client, get fired, get cancer) and underplay the likelihood of more realistic outcomes (work things out with the client, learn and grow in our role, easily treat a minor health issue (if we even had one at all!)).
Forgetting. We forget and underestimate our own internal resources. If we pause and look back at our lives, we can see there have been many challenges. And in each of these situations, we persevered and got through them. Even though we know this and now have even more experience and resources, we somehow forget this in the moment and focus on the negative.
The Solution
Martin Seligman put it this way: “While you can’t control your experiences, you can control your explanations.” We have more control over our thinking than we realize. While some of our negative thinking can be blamed on our evolutionary past, a lot of it can be blamed on bad habits. Here are some ways you can shift your thinking for the better:
Regain Perspective. When you feel your mind spinning into negative thinking or worrying about imagined worst-case scenarios, pause and do a reality check. What’s the most likely outcome? Really challenge your catastrophic thinking. And challenge the 3P’s. My bet is that it isn’t as personal, pervasive or permanent as you think. Focus on the most likely outcomes and act from there.
Get Comfortable with Uncertainty. In my coaching and in watching my own mind do its thing, I’ve begun to see that the deeper issue for many of us is wanting certainty and wanting control of how things will work out. We struggle with the discomfort of not knowing and with being patient with things as they naturally unfold. The trick is to accept uncertainty. Accept that there are circumstances and people outside of our control – and that’s OK.
Find Your Calm, Confident Center. Our minds like to say “Yeah, but this time is different!” When in reality, it is rarely that different. We’ve all been through some pretty tough situations, and we will get through today’s challenges too. Focus on your capabilities and strengths, and shift your focus to your calm, confident center. You've got this!
Focus on What’s in Your Control. Now it’s time to act. Not react and not sit and stew. But where to act? Focus on what’s in your control. Your mindset, your breathing and posture, your words, and what needs your attention now. Stop stewing and get on with it. And in doing so, this creates a sense of confidence and control. There is almost always a step we can take. And even in those rare times where there isn’t, it becomes a game of patience. Being patient is still in our control.
How About You?
If this is an issue for you, it is likely part of your nature. But it is also likely part of your habits. As we “practice” exaggerated thinking, catastrophizing and forgetting, these become habits of the mind. Instead, give these tools a try. Be fierce with your own mind, since these old habits will fight hard to exist. And celebrate your small and large victories, since this is hard work.
Meditation and mindfulness skills helps us calm our mind, be more aware of our thinking and choose more wisely. To learn more strategies to manage your mind, perform at your best and find more peace in your day, reach out to me at scott@mindfulwisdom.ca. I’d be happy to hear where you are at and share how you and your team can learn and thrive.