As you throw open the curtains and see the morning sun stream in, you think “Today is going to be a great day!” In anticipation, your mind plays out the day ahead, with all the tasks accomplished, productive meetings, and perhaps an after dinner walk as you enjoy the long days.
But your buoyant and positive outlook is quickly shaken as you realize you are out of coffee. And then traffic is worse today than expected. And then the big task you meant to finish in the morning gets bumped for an urgent meeting. IT challenges disrupt your afternoon and by the end of the day, you find yourself still working on the big task from the morning. You are feeling tired, frustrated and you skip your evening walk.
Why Unmet Expectations Wear Us Down
Unmet expectations fly in the face of one of the oldest and most primal needs we have: our need for certainty and having a sense of control. When things go as planned, we feel in control, allowing us to feel safe and secure. But when things become unpredictable, we feel vulnerable, not in control, and our stress response is activated.
Unmet expectations also create a dopamine crash. This is the “ugh” or heavy sigh of disappointment as your plans get derailed. When things are going well, we get a nice dopamine release as we accomplish tasks or get to where we want to go on time. You might even call this “flow.” It feels good!
But when those expectations are thwarted, instead of getting the dopamine high we were chasing, our dopamine levels sink lower than our normal baseline. Low dopamine feels crummy, drags us down and causes us to reach for unhealthy foods, sugary drinks, our screens, or any other approach we might use to get our dopamine levels back up.
Tools to Help us Deal with Unmet Expectations
Some people can roll more easily with surprises and a change of plans. Then there are the rest of us who find traffic, technology (when it doesn’t work), the chaos of our own kids, unanticipated delays, etc. to be a bigger deal. If you are in the latter group, here are some tools that help:
1. Expect the Unexpected. As Theodore Rubin put it “The problem is not that there are problems. The problem is expecting otherwise and thinking that having problems is a problem.” When we expect the unexpected, we avoid the anticipation of the dopamine high when things work out, and the dopamine crash when things don’t.
2. Let Go of What You Can’t Control. Many times, we get frustrated over people and circumstances that are completely out of our control. Constantly, ask yourself “Is this in my control?” If not, let it go. Accept that the world is messy and unpredictable. Shift your focus back to what is in your control; your mindset, where you place your focus, your actions, words, mood, etc.
3. Don’t Pile On. As I observe my own stress levels, I see that I create a lot of unnecessary stress for myself by adding unrealistic expectations to my day. I often imagine accomplishing more than is reasonable. Be realistic and celebrate what you do get done.
4. Make Virtue Your Reward. When we feel that dopamine crash that comes with disappointment, we are vulnerable in the moment to seeking something to make that feeling go away. Rather than reach for your hit (which is fleeting and often not helpful), reach for virtues like patience, persistence, acceptance, kindness. In your mind, celebrate the strength of character that choice took and make that your reward.
5. See Threat as a Challenge. In Elissa Epel’s latest book The Stress Prescription – 7 Days to More Joy and Ease, she describes how our mindset greatly affects how we perceive stress. For example, when a lion is chasing a gazelle, both experience a stress response. But the gazelle experiences a threat response (fear), whereas the lion experiences a challenge response (the thrill of the chase). Remind yourself that you've gotten through all your previous challenges, and you will get through this one too. Game on!
How About You?
One thing is for certain: life will serve up surprises that can trigger a threat response and a crash in dopamine levels. How we respond to unmet expectations affects our mental, emotional, and physical health and our relationships with others. The next time you feel triggered by an unmet expectation, try the tools above to navigate the challenge with greater ease and grace.
To learn more, check out the many webinars on resilience and dealing with change listed on my website. Or reach out to me directly at scott@mindfulwisdom.ca to find out how coaching can give you or one of your team members the tools to deal with what life throws your or their way.
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